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  1. #1
    Silver Lounger Banyarola's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2009
    Big Indian, New York
    Thanked 65 Times in 54 Posts

    Tools You Get For Christmas And Their Uses....

    DRILL PRESS : A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal

    bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and

    flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you

    had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

    WIRE WHEEL : Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the

    workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and

    hard-earned calluses from

    fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh


    SKIL SAW : A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

    PLIERS : Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of


    BELT SANDER : An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up

    jobs into major refinishing jobs.

    HACKSAW : One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board

    principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion,

    and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal

    your future


    VISE-GRIPS : Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If

    nothing else is available, they can also be

    used to transfer

    intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

    OXYACETYLENE TORCH : Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable

    objects in your shop on fire Also handy for igniting the grease inside the

    wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

    TABLE SAW : A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood

    projectiles for testing wall integrity.

    HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK : Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you

    have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly

    under the bumper.

    BAND SAW : A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut

    good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can

    after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

    TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST : A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of

    everything you forgot to disconnect.

    PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER : Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for

    opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your

    shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

    STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER : A tool for opening paint cans Sometimes used to convert

    common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

    PRY BAR : A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you

    needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

    HOSE CUTTER : A tool used to make hoses too short.

    HAMMER : Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as

    a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent

    the object we are trying to hit.

    UTILITY KNIFE : Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard

    cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such

    as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector

    magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for


    work clothes, but only while in use.

    SON-OF-A-***** TOOL : (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and

    throw across the garage while

    yelling 'Son of a *****! ' at the top of

    your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

    Hope this clears up any questions you may have had...
    "If You Are Reading This In English, Thank A VET"

  2. #2
    Star Lounger
    Join Date
    Jun 2011
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Mike W.
    Location: A Great Plains State

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