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  1. #1
    Uranium Lounger viking33's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Cape Cod, Massachusetts, USA
    Thanked 1 Time in 1 Post


    Just a rough guide.
    Where to Live After Retirement:

    You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....
    1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
    2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
    3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
    4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
    5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
    6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

    You can Live in California where...
    1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
    2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
    3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
    4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
    5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
    6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

    You can Live in New York City where...
    1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
    2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
    3. You think Central Park is 'nature.'
    4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
    5. You've worn out a car horn. ( ed note: if you have a car )
    6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

    You can Live in Maine where...
    1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
    2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
    3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
    4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
    5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

    You can Live in the Deep South where...
    1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
    2. 'Y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.
    3. 'He needed killin'' is a valid defense.
    4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
    5. Everything is either 'in yonder,' 'over yonder' or 'out yonder.' It's important to know the difference, too.

    You can live in Colorado where...
    1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car
    2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
    3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
    4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

    You can live in the Midwest where...
    1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
    2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
    3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.
    4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?'
    5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It was different!'

    AND You can live in Florida where..
    1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
    2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
    3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
    4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
    5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

    Long ago, there was a time when men cursed and beat on the ground with sticks. It was called witchcraft.
    Today it is called golf!

  2. #2
    Bronze Lounger
    Join Date
    Feb 2001
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    Excellent humor! After reading all the choices, I decided that I'll keep my traffic jam caused by a tractor. It is the easiest to deal with, IME!

    "Peace begins with a smile. "-- Mother Teresa

  3. #3
    4 Star Lounger pauliez's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2003
    Connecticut, USA
    Thanked 0 Times in 0 Posts
    As a native New Yorker (Brooklyn) I whole heartedly agree with the eye contact.

    It was some times a "NO NO" even if you knew the other person very well.

    After leaving NYC for good a very long time ago, it took me a very long time to break out of the habit.

    In the beginning I could not understand what other people were looking at while they were talking to me.

    "Is my fly open, is something stuck in between two of mt front teeth, is there something hanging out of my nose, etc."?

    But all is well......I got over it!

  4. #4
    Uranium Lounger
    Join Date
    Dec 2000
    Salt Lake City, Utah, USA
    Thanked 6 Times in 6 Posts
    [quote name='viking33' post='762621' date='01-Mar-2009 13:05']You can live in Florida where..
    5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
    ...who leave their turning indicators on to check their pacemaker timing.
    -John ... I float in liquid gardens
    UTC -7ąDS

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